Back to School Blues

Scrolling social media during back-to-school season is tough for me. The adorable children in backpacks, holding their chalkboard signs that say: “First day of Kindegarten!” or “Skibbidy Fifth Grade!”

I had to intentionally stay off social media this week as any time I saw a back-to-school photo, my heart panged with what could have been Rowan’s life. Before Rowan got sick in 2022, Rowan was going to preschool and thriving in preschool. He was 3-years-old when he got sick with the flu, that then led to seizures, and then extensive brain damage.

Now, Rowan sits in a bed needing complete and total care. I love to see my family’s kid’s grow every year – it’s a privilege. But when I look upon these photos, I think of all that Rowan would be doing if he did not get sick.

He would be starting kindergarten this week. We would have 100% gone to Target and pick out back-to-school t-shirts (all 100% cotton because Grandma insists on 100% cotton everything), and I would have gotten him a clear backpack so he can see all his things for school.

He probably would be nearly as tall as me, since he already is so tall and in the 100% for height. I would get to go to Open Houses with him, meet his teachers, and his friends, and hear about the school’s plan for Rowan’s academic future to begin.

Rowan’s first preschool
photo 2021

Instead, I have not even started Rowan’s application to have In-Home School services. Thankfully, now that Rowan is 5-years-old, he qualifies to go to a special needs school well equipped for students with complex needs, just like him.

Instead of Open Houses, I am reviewing paperwork to submit – studying it, analyzing it, and overthinking, “Will the county agree and permit Rowan to get services at home – given that his seizures are so unique that he could have a seizure due to the sound of a pin drop? (Yes, a pin drop).”

“I’m not an educator, I’m not a lawyer, I’m also not a doctor – am i writing this well enough so Rowan can get the services he needs?”

“I wish I was a nurse or doctor so I could know exactly how to fill out these forms for Rowan to receive the best care.”

Thoughts like this. It’s only been 2 years since Rowan’s initial injury in 2022. Navigating this world of regular hospital visits, specialists, and special needs is still new and can still be scary at times.

Usually, a message like this would end with an encouraging word, a call to hope – but my only word for anyone going through something similar is – I’m sorry. I feel you, and I’m sorry.

Let us take it one day at a time and do the best for our babies/loved ones – that’s all we can do for now.

Sarah